Table of Contents
Author's Note xiii
Chapter 1 I'll Take Door Number Three
When the Bible Doesn't Behave 3
The Bible Isn't the Problem 7
My Life, in Brief, and Such as It Is 10
Concerning Camels' Backs and Beach Balls 14
Door Number Three 19
So What's My Point? 22
Chapter 2 God Did What?!
How Not to Treat Other People 29
Those Wicked, Horrible Canaanites 33
Marching Orders 36
"If Jesus Sends People to Hell, What's So Bad About Killing Some Canaanites??" 41
God's Nicer Side 46
Worst, Sinners, Ever 50
It's a Tribal Culture Thing 54
Digging for Answers 58
God Lets His Children Tell the Story 61
Why This Chapter Is So Important and So Dreadfully Long 66
Chapter 3 God Likes Stories
What Happened? 73
The Stories of Jesus 78
Little Baby Jesuses 82
Who Saw the Big Moment? 87
The Stories of Israel 90
The Past Serves the Present 95
A Warm-Up for the Main Event 100
A Sneak Peek at the Political Map 106
Playing Favorites with Little Brother 110
Adam, Who Art Thou? 113
The Exodus Story 116
When Gods Fight 119
What's with All the Water? 124
Stories Work 127
Chapter 4 Why Doesn't God Make Up His Mind?
Raising Kids by the Book (FYI, It Doesn't Work) 133
"If I Wanted to Tell You What to Do, I Would Have"-God 137
When Biblical Writers Get Cranky 142
"Don't Quote the Bible at Me, Please. I'm God."-God, to Job and His Friends 146
Is There More Than One God? (And, No, This Isn't a Trick Question) 150
God Seems Like a Regular Joe 155
God Lays Down the Law...Sort of 160
Chapter 5 Jesus Is Bigger Than the Bible
Jesus Gets a Big Fat "F" in Bible 167
Jesus Was Actually Jewish (Go Figure) 171
Jesus Messes with the Bible 175
Jesus: Moses 2.0 180
Jesus Picks Fights 184
Jesus Was a Human Being 187
Chapter 6 No One Saw This Coming
I Could Tell You But You Wouldn't Understand 193
Good News! Our Leader Was Executed by the Romans! Come Join Us! 196
"It's All About Me."-Jesus (According to Luke and Matthew) 201
Are We There Yet? 206
Jesus, Savior of the World 210
God's Answer to a Question No One Was Asking 215
"Torah? Oh That. It Was Only Temporary."-God (As Told to Paul) 219
"Why Don't You Just Go Castrate Yourself," and Other Spiritual Advice 224
Chapter 7 The Bible, Just as It Is
For Those on the Go, the Entire Book in Exactly 265 Words (With Brief Commentary) 231
A Quick Thought About the Universe and God Laughing 233
Not That I'm Trying to Tell You What to Do, But... 236
Where in the Bible Were We? (In Order of Appearance) 245
Some Dates I Keep Referring To (And a Few Others) 255
In Case You Don't Believe Me and Want to Read More 259
Acknowledgments 265
