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Letters to Karen

A Father's Advice on Keeping Love in Marriage

Abingdon Press

"EXHIBIT A"

My dear Karen,

You always were a clever little thing, and I see you have lost none of your touch.

They say, "Flattery will get you everywhere!" It did this time. You sent me quickly to my typewriter. Wouldn't any father swell with pride before such admiration? Imagine that! My daughter thinks that much of my opinions.

But when I sat down to begin, a great light dawned!

Your request is a superb compliment, but it is not for me. For twenty years you have been observing "Exhibit A"!

Therefore, brought low once more by your trickery, I accept your proposal as the magnificent bouquet to your mother which it really is.

You know how devoid I am of knowledge in many areas. But you also know that on one item I am an unmitigated authority. Firsthand, I understand how good it is to be loved by a genius in the art of being a wife.

It will be fun describing my favorite person, so I'll be writing you again real soon.

Love, Dad

WE KNOW IN PART

My dear Karen,

When you were in high school, you went with many boys. We watched on tiptoe when some new date came to the house. Would this be the one?

If my memory serves me correctly, not one of them was a total collapse. We admired your taste. They were all nice-looking. Even the big clown who was "so homely he's cute," as you put it, wasn't overly hard on our eyes.

We liked something about every boy you ever dated.

(Come to think of it, there was that one you said reminded you of "a stray puppy looking for a home." We thought he'd never go away. He was the nearest to an exception.)

We would discuss them between us, your mother and I, and we were proud of your friends. They were well-mannered, clean-cut, nicely groomed when they should be, and "such good drivers." This last is what you told us, and I guess you are living proof of your claim.

That giant he-man football player took our eye. He must have spent a fortune calling you long-distance. He reminded us of a Saint Bernard dog—huge, but so gentle and leisurely.

Then came a night I'll never forget. It was after you had dated him for some time. I was still up when you came in, and you announced that you had just crossed him off your list, too. You know how it is with fathers. I was afraid that something unpleasant had happened.

"No," you assured me, "he's so sweet. But, Daddy, could we visit a little right now?"

As nearly as I can recall them, your exact words were: "I worry sometimes about me. It seems as if all the boys I ever go with are just darling for a while and then I get bored. After a few dates it's as if I knew all there is to know. Do you think there's something wrong with me? I'm scared when I think about getting married. How could I possibly spend my whole life with one man? Do you suppose I'll ever find one interesting enough to keep my attention forever?"

Of course I assured you that someday one would appear, riding from out of somewhere, and he would have ample soul to keep you entertained for always. You said you weren't sure I was right. Then you made this speech which rang the deep bells in my heart.

You took me by the hand and said, "Daddy, I made a big decision tonight. I'm never, ever going to get married unless I meet a boy who is so great it will take a whole lifetime to know everything there is about him."

I thought this was terrific. That night you reached out and touched the pulse of your future husband.

Time passed and suddenly your question marks stood erect like exclamation points! ! !

The first we knew of this was one evening about supper time. You called from the university, do you remember? There was a delightful new awe in your voice. You said, "Daddy, there is this perfectly fabulous boy who waits tables in our dorm. He's the most interesting person I've ever met. He's been around the world so many times." (That's what you said, but I guess it's only twice, isn't it? Can a fellow make it more often than that in the Navy unless he's a career man?)

Like a lovely brook you babbled on, "He knows so much more than I do about everything. And is he ever smart! He understands all about television. That's his major. And he's practically an authority on Latin America. That's his other major. Oh, yes, I forgot to tell you his name is Vincent! Isn't that the most beautiful name? He's worked his way through school and done more things. Besides, he's handsome, and you never saw anybody who understands people like he does. Everybody just loves him because he can talk about any subject they bring up.

"And, Daddy, you know how crazy you and Mother were about Greece? Well, he knows everything about Greece. His ship was stationed there for three weeks."

And so on, and so on, and so on.

I recall clearly that you had me so much in orbit with you I even temporarily forgot this was a collect call. It flashed through my mind that I'd have to ask my friend Jim (he's division manager of the telephone company) if there might be special rates for historical occasions.

Then you threw another bunch of stars at me and away we went once more. Finally, I came back to earth again, and it occurred to me that people in the parish do have emergencies and we'd better open the phone line at some future date, just in case.

Finally, we agreed that as soon as he could get time off from his many jobs he should drive you home in his dreamy little Volkswagen and let the whole family see for themselves.

"What was that all about?" one of your brothers asked when I hung up. "That," I announced, "was about Karen's future husband!" "Her what ?" your brothers shouted in unison, and we really had ourselves a family pow-wow that night.

Then you brought him home, and we saw what you meant. Here was the dream man your heart was calling to that evening as we sat discussing those tremendous things together.

One of the greatest things ever written on love is 1 Corinthians 13. The next time you read it, notice that the only repetition in the entire chapter is this:

"We know in part!"

The writer seems to be saying, "Back up and have one more look at the endless vistas of love. Here is something you must consider again. Beauty in human relations does not require total knowledge all at once."

We can be everlastingly thankful for this in many ways. For one thing, am I ever glad people can't see all the way through me! Then, when we go back and review it again, isn't it also fine that we don't know all about other people? If it weren't for this double protection, we'd probably all join in that crazy chorus, "Stop the world, I want to get off!"

But when it applies to marriage, this is nothing less than a stupendous gift. To be married to someone in whom you see islands to be discovered, mountains to climb, valleys to explore, and new wonders beckoning off in the distance—this is absolutely the greatest.

It does create some problems though. You can't learn how to handle people such as this all at once. It's true the days will never grow dull if you once begin this journey. Yet, on the other hand, it may also be exasperating sometimes.

So when you feel like saying, "Men! Why does my husband do such crazy things? Will I ever understand what makes him act like that?"—when you feel this way, just be grateful for a man you can't comprehend all at once.

This beauty of a partial knowledge is what makes life with your loved ones so fascinating. It could exhaust you if you let it. But it can also keep your heart singing with the thrill of just being alive.

Your mother and I have been married twenty-six years, and—this is the truth—new thrills come fresh from her soul every day. I'm still finding out things about her I never knew before—still thankful for someone so tremendous it will take me a lifetime to search her out fully—still glad of heart the whole day long that "we know in part."

You will remember Aletha. She helped us take care of you when you were little. She worked part-time, but she left a full-time imprint. We came to be the kinds of friends who don't worry what you say around each other. That is why, when we became a bit parent-cross or if we spoke too harshly to one of you, she would gather you up in her arms and say, "Aw, now! All they need is a great big bunch of waitin' on the Lord!"

That's a great word for parenthood. It also works magic for a man and woman seeking to blend two lives together.

Don't push too hard! Pray for patience! Give each other room to grow!

Listen! Do you hear what I hear? It's a distant sound and deep, like a drummer drumming. I hope you like it. We'll hear him often at his theme as we go along together, and these are the words which fit the beat:

Marriage is not a ceremony! This is a creation!

Yours for joy in the vast unknown, Dad

HAPPINESS IS TO GROW UP

My dear Karen,

Many couples make the mistake of thinking that two saying "I do!" means "We did it!" They assume that by the mere act of climbing the chancel steps they have already vaulted the stairs into seventh heaven.

Some sociologists say this idea originates with the Hollywood moon-glow in our movies and television. Others blame the romantic writers. Or is it the fault of the songmakers?

Right now, tracing the source is not so important as a full understanding of this fact:

Marriage may be "made in heaven" in the original. But the whole deal is more like one of those kits which comes knocked down for putting together. It will take some gluing here, sanding rough spots there, hammering a bit now, filing down the scratches on this side, planing a bit on that side, carving a piece, bending this section slightly, varnishing, backing off for a frequent look, dusting, waxing, polishing, until at last what you have is a thing of beauty and a joy forever.

If you will look in the "H" section of your American College Dictionary, you will find these important words: "Happiness results from ... attainment of what one considers good.... Contentment is a peaceful kind of happiness in which one rests without desires, even though every wish may have been gratified."

These words apply to even the best unions. Marriage does not suddenly make imperfect people perfect. Every human being has some flaws. This sweeping statement, I regret to inform you, does include Vincent. It also includes you.

Handling such a challenge is largely a matter of mature thinking. Every one of us at some earlier date has been in love with the "dream image" of what our perfect lover would one day be. If either of you insists on clinging to your fantasy unduly, you may be in for some real disappointments.

I recall one young bride who returned from her honeymoon quite upset. She had married a much older man. We all thought it might be a good match under their particular set of circumstances. But she came to me considerably shaken. She said she simply hadn't been able to recover from the first night when he took out his teeth and put them in a glass on the hotel dresser. He insisted on a soft light during their lovemaking. But those infernal choppers leering at her from the glass cut her response to nil. She had known he had false teeth. But she had never inquired what he did with them at night!

Thank goodness, most of the cruel blows which shatter our "ideal mate" are not quite that garish. But they will come. So it is important that you "put away childish things." One such is whatever may be left of the phantom heroes of your girlhood.

If you hang on too tightly, you may risk a couple of serious errors. You could waste a good deal of time and energy trying to make your man over into something he was never meant to be. You might also be concentrating so much on what he is not that you become blind to some of the fine things which make him what he is.

With almost everyone whom we learn to know well, we discover that certain defects are part of the price they pay for their virtues. An attractive person is not so much a collection of miscellaneous parts, good and bad, strewn about. What makes him appealing is more likely to be the way in which he has organized those parts.

The same thing goes for homemaking. In a vital marital combination two wise persons are trying to organize their parts into a oneness which will be good for both of them. To see each other work on this, to help each other accomplish this, is one of the dynamics of marriage at its best.

So don't let glamor victimize you. You are not flawless yourself, and you'd be very uncomfortable if Vincent should prove the first exception to this rule—boys have blemishes and young men come unfinished to the wedding.

Take an honest look at his faults. Look in the mirror at your own weaknesses. Then study how you can fit your two sets of faults into your two sets of strong points to make the best blending possible.

When you marry, you become more vulnerable to disappointment and hurt than you have ever been before. But you have decided it is worth the risk.

You have chosen wisely. Only by taking this chance can you become eligible for the bliss which is two people "oneing" themselves together.

There is an anonymous essay in my files which is a favorite of ours. It was written by a ten-year-old boy named Tommy for his school composition. There are two words here which stand out in bold relief against the background of future happiness. This is his theme:

What Is Love?

Love is something that makes two people think they are pretty even when nobody else does. It also makes them sit close together on a bench even when there's plenty of room. It's something which makes two people very quiet when you are around. And when they think you're gone, they talk about roses and dreams. And that's all I know about love until I grow up!

Let's hope he's one of the fortunate who learn that love grows finer if you find someone with whom you can share these two key words:

"Grow up!"

Good for Tommy! Good also for Karen and Vincent and every one of us faced with the challenge of bringing roses and dreams to reality behind our own doors.

We like to believe that you are both mature for your age. We never forget that maturity is in part knowing where you need to become more mature.

We have heard you say, "Vincent and I are terribly in love." Whether your love is terribly terrific or terribly terrible may depend sometimes on Tommy's two words: "Grow up!"

Best wishes for a maturing love, Dad

LET FREEDOM RING

My dear Karen,

"Divine wedlock" is an ecclesiastical term which has a nice solid ring whenever you hear it. In two words it seems to bring together that hallowed security which just about everybody hopes to find someday.

But you do well to understand that this is never right unless there are two keys to the lock. You are each entitled to one of these, and they are yours to use in wisdom.

"Everything I Have Is Yours!" "You Can Have Me if You Want Me, but You Must Be Mine Alone!" "Why Not Take All of Me?"—this sort of thing may go well in the slushy songs of the sentimentalists. But marriage at its best does not live by the code of the jukebox. It lives by the gradual integration of two people who give each other plenty of room for personal development.

Like so many other things in husband-wife relationships, there is a fine line here. Because each marriage represents the bringing together of two unique persons, no one can tell exactly where the "liberty line" is best marked off in your union. It will take careful testing and stretching to find yours together.

Right now I am working with a young wife who was on the receiving end of a big shock recently. Her husband announced that he wanted one night out each week, and, in addition, he did not expect to report where he had been. He simply put his request calmly and told her he would give her some time to think it over.

This was particularly hard for Sally. They had been married less than six months, and she grew up with the idea that "when you marry you tell each other everything."

But this is an astute young lady. She agreed to think it over and sought help for the right answer. As we discussed it, she began looking for clues in his background.

Here is an excellent starting place when someone has hurt you. You know that others often do odd things to you for reasons which did not originate with you. They may be "working through" a childhood repression, "surfacing" some old conflict, or struggling again with a problem which began long before you knew each other.

A wholesome sympathy based on understanding often has a clarifying effect on both of you. If you can keep the tears out of your eyes long enough, you may be able to "see" where he is blind. And if you learn to project your "love-light" carefully, you may contribute to his own "self-transparency." So, whenever you are wounded, try to begin at the point of saying, "Perhaps this is his problem. Before I let it become mine, let's see if it can be an occasion for our maturing together."

This is true bigness, isn't it? It requires a high level of maturity to "act" in love rather than to "react" with hostility.

Thank goodness Sally was big enough to take her mind off her own wounds and focus on his. She knew that Jeff was the youngest of several children. There had never been the privacy in his home which she was allowed in hers. He was not permitted the precious little secrets of childhood. His parents were making decisions for him long after he should have been making them for himself. In his teens he was subjected to an inquisition following every date. She also knew that his father was basically distrustful of everyone, including members of his own family.

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Excerpted from Letters to Karen by Charlie W. Shedd. Copyright © 2012 Abingdon Press. Excerpted by permission of Abingdon Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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