Read an Excerpt

Healing Your Grieving Soul

100 Spiritual Practices for Mourners

Center for Loss and Life Transition

1.

NURTURE YOUR SPIRIT

• Nurturing your spirit relates to caring for that part of yourself that is transcendent. Your spirit speaks to you with inner messages and invites you to surround yourself with positive regard.

• You can care for your spirit in ways ranging from inspirational reading to listening to or playing music, being with those you feel support from, walking in the woods, strolling on the beach, or spending time in the company of wise people of any spiritual path.

• Nurturing your spirit means giving attention to your underlying beliefs and values. It also means being non-judgmental as you observe and appreciate people who have a different faith or spiritual outlook than you do. You can expand your own spiritual journey by going beyond your comfort zone and trying one of the practices in this book that you would not normally participate in.

CARPE DIEM

Look over the spiritual practices in this book and select one to participate in that you might not naturally be drawn toward. Try it out and be open to how it expands your capacity to nurture your spirit.

2.

EXPRESS YOUR SPIRITUALITY

• Above all, mourning is a spiritual journey of the heart and soul. Grief and loss invite you to consider why people live, why people die, and what gives life meaning and purpose. These are the most spiritual questions we have language to form.

• You can discover spiritual understanding in many ways and through many practices — prayer, worship, and meditation among them. You can nurture your spirituality in many places — nature, church, temple, mosque, monastery, retreat center, kitchen table among them. No one can "give" you spirituality from the outside in. Even when you gain spiritual understanding from a specific faith tradition, the understanding is yours alone, discovered through self-examination, reflection and spiritual transformation.

• Mourning invites you down a spiritual path at once similar to that of others yet simultaneously your own. The reality that you have picked up this book shows that you are seeking to deepen your life with the Divine Mystery. Sometimes this happens within a faith tradition through its scriptures, community of believers and teachers. Other times a book is just what you need to support and gently guide you in ways that bring comfort and hope.

CARPE DIEM

If you attend a place of worship, visit it today, either for services or an informal time of prayer and solitude. If you don't have a place of worship, perhaps you have a friend who seems spiritually grounded. Ask her how she learned to nurture her spirituality. Sometimes, someone else's ideas and practices provide just what you need to stimulate your own spiritual self-care.

3.

SET ASIDE TIME EACH DAY FOR SPIRITUAL PRACTICE

• You get up every morning. You brush your teeth. You shower. You eat breakfast. Perhaps you read the newspaper or check your e-mail. You say hello to your family or coworkers or neighbors.

• Every day you engage in rituals of self-care. You take care of your body. You take care of your brain. You probably take care of your social self, at least to some degree. But how do you make sure you are caring for your emotional self and your spiritual self each and every day?

• Your spirit needs feeding just as much as your body does. Set aside time to feed it each day.

• What will you do with your spiritual time? You decide! Perhaps you have a favorite spiritual practice, such as yoga or meditation. Maybe you could use your daily time to try different ideas in this book.

CARPE DIEM

You know that you're supposed to exercise your body for 30 minutes a day. Start exercising your spirit for 30 minutes a day, too. Begin today.

4.

SEEK OUT A SPIRITUAL ADVISOR

• Many of us flounder in our spirituality, especially in the early weeks and months after the death of someone loved.

• Grief brings about a normal and necessary search for meaning. Why are we here? Why do the people we love have to die? What is the purpose of life? These are the most spiritually profound questions we have language to form.

• To assist you in your search for meaning and to provide you with spiritual mentoring, seek out the help of someone whom you find to be spiritually advanced or grounded.

• This person might be a member of the clergy or someone with formal religious or spiritual training, but it also might be someone who simply seems to connect well with the spiritual realm.

CARPE DIEM

Right now, make a list of three local people you look up to spiritually. Try to identify someone with whom you can meet in person periodically. Call him or her today and extend an invitation to meet for coffee.

5.

REACH OUT TO OTHERS FOR HELP

• Perhaps the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself at this difficult time is to reach out for help from others.

• Think of it this way: Grieving may be the hardest work you have ever done. And hard work is less burdensome when others lend a hand. Life's greatest challenges — getting through school, raising children, pursuing a career — are in many ways team efforts. So it should be with mourning.

• Sharing your pain with others won't make it disappear, but it will, over time, make it more bearable.

• Reaching out for help also connects you to other people and strengthens the bonds of love that make life seem worth living again. But just like gardens, good friends must be cultivated. True friends are blessings during overwhelming times such as this. If you have some, give thanks!

• When Bill Cosby's son Ennis was murdered, Mr. Cosby reached out to other families who were that day also confronted with the murder of their children. He was not alone and you aren't either.

CARPE DIEM

Call a close friend who may have distanced himself from you since the death and tell him how much you need him right now. Suggest specific ways he can help.

6.

TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF

• Good self-care is nurturing and necessary for mourners, yet it's something many of us completely overlook.

• Try very hard to eat well and get adequate rest. Lay your body down 2-3 times a day for 20-30 minutes, even if you don't sleep. I know — you probably don't care very much about eating well right now, and you may be sleeping poorly. But taking care of yourself is truly one way to fuel healing and to begin to embrace life again.

• Listen to what your body tells you. "Get some rest," it says. "But I don't have time," you reply. "I have things to do." "OK, then, I'll get sick so you HAVE to rest," your body says. And it will get sick if that's what it takes to get its needs met!

• Drink at least 5-6 glasses of water each day. Dehydration can compound feelings of fatigue and disorientation.

• Exercise not only provides you with more energy, it can give you focused thinking time. Take a 20-minute walk every day. Or, if that seems too much, a 5-minute walk. But don't over-exercise, because your body needs extra rest, as well.

• Now more than ever, you need to allow time for you.

CARPE DIEM

Are you taking a multi-vitamin? If not, now is probably a good time to start. In part, you can think of it as a spiritual self-care vitamin!

7.

BE PATIENT

• I'm sure you've realized by now that healing in grief does not usually happen quickly. And because your grief is never truly "over," you are on a lifelong journey.

• In our hurry-up North American culture, patience can be especially hard to come by. We have all been conditioned to believe that if we want something, we should be able to get it instantly.

• Yet your grief will not heed anyone's timetable — even your own. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with those around you. You are doing the best you can, as are they.

• Practicing patience means relinquishing control. Just as you cannot truly control your life, you cannot control your grief. Yes, you can set your intention to embrace your grief and take steps to mourn well, and these practices will certainly serve you well on your journey, but you cannot control the particulars of what life will continue to lay before you.

CARPE DIEM

When you are feeling impatient, silently repeat this phrase: "Let nothing disturb thee; Let nothing dismay thee; All things pass; God never changes. Patience attains all that it strives for. He who has God finds he lacks nothing: God alone suffices." — St. Teresa of Avila

8.

KNOW THAT YOU ARE LOVED

• As Jane Howard wisely observed, "Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one." Yes, love from family, friends, and community gives life meaning and purpose. Look around for expressions of care and concern. These are people who love you and want to be an important part of your support system.

• Some of those who love you may not know how to reach out to you, but they still love you. Reflect on the people who care about you and the ways in which your life matters.

• In contrast, if you lose this connection, you suffer alone and in isolation. You feel disconnected from the world around you. Feeling pessimistic, you may retreat even more. You begin to sever your relationships and make your world smaller. Over-isolation anchors your loss and sadness in place.

• It is vital to create a sense of community that is spiritually nurturing and responsive to the needs surrounding loss in your life. Your relationships with family, friends, and community are connected like a circle, with no end and no beginning. When you allow yourself to be a part of that circle, you find your place. You realize you belong and are a vital part of a bigger whole.

CARPE DIEM

Get out some notes and cards you have received from people who care about you. Re-read them and remind yourself that you are loved. Then, call someone you love and express gratitude that she or he is in your life.

9.

UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING

Need 1: Acknowledge the reality of the death

• Someone you love has died. This is probably the most difficult reality in the world to accept. Yet gently, slowly and patiently you must embrace this reality, bit by bit, day by day.

• Whether the death was sudden or anticipated, acknowledging the full reality of the loss may occur over weeks, months, even years.

• You will first acknowledge the reality of the loss with your head. Only over time will you come to acknowledge it with your heart and soul.

• At times you may push away the reality of the death. This is normal and necessary for your survival. You will come to integrate the reality in doses as you are ready.

CARPE DIEM

Tell someone about the person who died today. Talking about both the life and the death will help you work on this important need.

10.

UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING

Need 2: Embrace the pain of the loss

• This need requires mourners to embrace the pain of their loss — something we naturally don't want to do. It is easier to avoid, repress, or push away the pain of grief than it is to confront it.

• It is in embracing your grief, however, that you will learn to reconcile yourself to it.

• In the early days after the death, your pain may seem ever-present. Your every thought and feeling, every moment of every day, may seem painful. During this time, you will probably need to seek refuge from your pain. Go for a walk, read a book, watch TV, talk to supportive friends and family about the normal things of everyday life.

• While you do need to embrace the pain of your loss, you must do it in doses, over time. You simply cannot take in the enormity of your loss all at once. It's healthy to seek distractions and allow yourself bits of pleasure each day.

CARPE DIEM

If you feel up to it, allow yourself a time for embracing pain today. Dedicate 15 minutes to thinking about and feeling the loss. Reach out to someone who doesn't try to take your pain away and spend some time with him.

11.

UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING

Need 3: Remember the person who died

• When someone loved dies, they live on in us through memory.

• To heal, you need to actively remember the person who died and commemorate the life that was lived.

• Never let anyone take your memories away in a misguided attempt to save you from pain. It's good for you to continue to display photos of the person who died. It's good to talk about memories, both happy and sad. It's good to cherish clothing and other items that belonged to her.

• In the early weeks and months of your grief, you may fear that you will forget the person who died — the details of her face, the tone of his voice, the special lilt in her walk. Rest assured that while time may blur some of your memories, as you slowly shift your relationship from one of presence to one of memory, you will indeed remember.

• Remembering the past makes hoping for the future possible.

CARPE DIEM

You might find it helpful to begin to write down memories of the person who died. This is both a healing exercise and a way to hold onto special memories forever. Today, write down at least one memory.

12.

UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING

Need 4: Develop a new self-identity

• A big part of your self-identity may have been formed by the relationship you had with the person who died.

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Excerpted from Healing Your Grieving Soul by Alan D. Wolfelt. Copyright © 2009 Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.. Excerpted by permission of Center for Loss and Life Transition.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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