Parenting with Words of Grace: Building Relationships with Your Children One Conversation at a Time

Parenting with Words of Grace: Building Relationships with Your Children One Conversation at a Time

Parenting with Words of Grace: Building Relationships with Your Children One Conversation at a Time

Parenting with Words of Grace: Building Relationships with Your Children One Conversation at a Time

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Overview

Offering practical guidance for grace-filled communication in the midst of the craziness of everyday life, Parenting with Words of Grace will help you speak in ways that reflect the grace God has shown to you in the gospel.


Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781433560972
Publisher: Crossway
Publication date: 02/28/2019
Pages: 224
Sales rank: 1,000,422
Product dimensions: 5.50(w) x 8.40(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

William P. Smith (PhD, Rutgers University; MDiv, Westminster Theological Seminary) is a pastor, author, and retreat speaker who has served several churches, been a faculty member of the Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation, and taught practical theology at Westminster Theological Seminary. He is the author of Loving Well (Even If You Haven't Been) and numerous other books and booklets.

Paul David Tripp (DMin, Westminster Theological Seminary) is a pastor, an award-winning author, and an international conference speaker. He has written numerous books, including Lead; Reactivity; and the bestselling devotional New Morning Mercies. His not-for-profit ministry exists to connect the transforming power of Jesus Christ to everyday life. Tripp lives in Philadelphia with his wife, Luella, and they have four grown children.

Read an Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

Parenting Is an Invitation

Parenting doesn't work. It woos.

After I finished talking to a mother's group about parenting, one of the ladies came up to me and said, "I see how I've not been very gracious with my kids, so, if I were more gracious with the things that I say and do, then things would probably work better at my house, right?"

Now I don't think she's unusual, but she missed the point of what I was trying to say. The point of parenting is not that things would work better in our homes — that life would be a little easier and that things would run more smoothly. That's not the goal, but it is what she wanted. And so she was looking for some kind of method that, once mastered, would guarantee certain results if only she invested the right amount of time and effort. She wanted something that works.

Parenting doesn't "work." Parenting requires you to invest time and energy without knowing for sure what the outcome will be. That's true of all relationships, but it's surprising when you realize that you're going to pour yourself into your children, bend your life around them, sacrifice for them, change your world for them, and yet have no guarantee they'll respond well.

Who wants that? I don't. I want some certainty. I want some sense that if I say the right thing and do the right thing, then my kids will respond positively to me, and I'll at least get some of the result I'm looking for. Only, there is no certainty. That's probably not what you want to hear. I know it's not what I want to hear.

You and I are not alone. A father put it this way: "I know it's not right, but I'm more inclined to start conversations if I know there's going to be a payoff. If I know that what I'm about to say is going to work, then I'm all in. But if I don't know, if I'm not sure, then I tend to pull back. I'm hesitant to say anything." He's looking for something that increases his odds of a favorable result. He's looking for a guaranteed return before he invests.

I think he's talking for a lot of us. Parenting, however, is not about figuring out the right thing to do or to say to generate a certain outcome; it's about a person to love. And when you're talking about loving a person, you realize there are no formulas that always work, which means there are no guarantees and no certain return on your investment.

Unfortunately, in my experience as a counselor and pastor (and as a parent!), people want that return. And they want it now. And so they talk with their friends and mentors, read books and go to seminars, open to any strategy that holds out hope that they can get as close to a guaranteed result as possible.

They come with a clearly defined problem — either the child is doing something that the parents need to stop or the child is not doing something that the parents want him to start — then they search for a method that promises to address the problem they see.

But therein lies the trap. When you define parenting as an adult-initiated resolution to a problem created by your child, then you'll think primarily in terms of getting your child back in line. In that case, parenting becomes a negative interaction that's trying to end the domestic tension generated between what you want and what your child is doing.

So how do you avoid the trap? You refuse to let yourself think only in terms of what you should or shouldn't do. You make yourself look past the problem to the person — your child — which gets you to think in relational terms not merely behavioral ones.

You think about what it means to love your children in the moment more than loving what you want from them or even what you want for them. It's only as you see and value them as individuals that you have any hope of developing healthy connections with them. Start then by considering, at their most basic, who are they? What's their most fundamental identity?

First and foremost, they're not yours. They're God's. He made them and takes primary responsibility for them. They come under your care only secondarily and even then, only temporarily.

They are your children — they may even have come from your body — but they are also autonomous beings in their own right. When God made them, he did not consult you. You picked out none of their attributes, their virtues, their talents, their gifts, their weaknesses, their insecurities, or their struggles.

In that sense, they are not mini-me's — smaller versions of you whose reason for existence is to reflect your glory and make you look good. Nor are they a slightly subhuman species that needs to be socialized through the use of clever charts to elicit good behavior until they're old enough to survive on their own. They are images of God, independent of you, yet related to you.

That means they are eternal beings, who, having begun life, will continue living indefinitely. Think about the maturity gap between you and them right now. Regardless of how great it is, it will continue to shrink as time goes by, becoming less significant until it's immaterial. In fact, they will surpass you in many areas, if they haven't already. Look into the future: how important will your twenty-five year head start be when you are both ten thousand years old? As your children grow and mature, by God's design, they and you have the potential to become peers.

Parenting, therefore, means I invest in these fellow human beings, but I am not wrapping my world around them nor am I trying to get them to wrap theirs around me. Instead, parenting is the sum total of interactions between two human beings whereby I regularly invite a slightly younger person to a relationship that increasingly closes the maturity gap between us.

God Invites You — You Invite Your Child

The good news for God's people is that you already know what this kind of relationship is like. Even if you're only just getting to know him, you now see things much more like he does than you did before — the gap has shrunk because you've grown. And it will continue to shrink as your Father in heaven parents you.

The apostle Paul talks about how God's people develop, until collectively we are a body whose maturity in every respect matches its head, who is Christ (Eph. 4:15). In the Psalms, Asaph makes obscure comments about people being gods, hinting that we might be more than meets the eye (Ps. 82:6), while Peter declares outright that by God's power, we can now share in his divine nature (2 Pet. 1:3–4; see also Gal. 2:20; 1 John 3:2).

We don't become God. Nor will we ever be God's equal. But God plans along-term relationship with us, such that we share in his nature and, while not equal to him, we become a partner suitable to him (Eph. 5:31–32). We grow as he interacts with us in the present, with an eye toward the future. Much of that interaction comes from listening to him speak to us — certainly as we pray and even more clearly in the Scriptures.

He talks, and his words draw you to him in the moment because each time he speaks, he tells you about himself. He tells you what he's like — what he values, what's important to him, and what's not. He tells you where his commitments lie and what he thinks is essential in life.

But his words also tell you what he's like relationally — how he treats people, how he expects relationships to work, the role he plays in others' lives, and the role they play in his. And you learn that he doesn't simply treat you well when you've been good. He treats you well when you've not been good — not holding your sins against you, treating you better than you deserve, and all the time speaking kindly yet directly to you. He talks to you in ways you want to be talked to, giving you reasons to want more of him.

As you think about what he's like as a person and how he relates to people, you realize, "I could like someone like that. If that's the kind of person he is and if that's how he treats people, then I want more of that. I want more of him. I'd like to get to know him better."

That's when you realize that his words do more than simply engage you in the present moment. They carry an implied invitation for the future that asks, "Based on what I just said, do you think I am someone who is worth getting to know? Based on how I just spoke to you, am I someone you'd like to have a long-term relationship with?"

His words give you reason to trust him. You listen to him talk in the Bible to people who are weak, damaged, compromised, or in danger, and you discover that he doesn't take advantage of them. He doesn't crush them. Doesn't push them away. Doesn't hate them. His words don't break relationships. Instead, he uses words to foster greater relationship.

As he speaks, we experience the grace of the gospel and it transforms us, becoming part of us, so that his words become part of us. We then speak to those around us in ways similar to how he's spoken to us.

The same dynamic between you and God is at work between you and your children. Every time the possibility of a conversation comes up, you are communicating exactly the same things to them that God communicates to you: "This is what I am like as a person — this is what I value; this is what's important to me; this is how I think about life; this is how I think about you."

And you're also communicating what you're like relationally: "This is what I'm like in a relationship — this is how I treat people; this is how I interact; these are the kinds of things that I say; this is the way that I say them."

And just like God, you're not only communicating those things about the present moment, but you're also inviting the people around you to something more. Whether you choose to speak or choose not to speak, you're not only telling who you are and what you're like relationally, but you're also asking, "Based on what I just said, do you want less of me or more?"

Here's the kicker: you're always doing that. You can't help it. Our children — who in the normal course of life spend a significant amount of their most formative years with us — hear this embedded invitation very clearly. The things we choose to say or not to say, along with the way that we say them, are either an invitation to, or a warning against, greater relationship.

Parenting then is the privilege of wooing potential future peers — smaller, less developed images of God — inviting them, if they so choose, to vertical and horizontal relationships that could outlast time.

Now do you see why parenting doesn't "work"? It can't. You cannot force your children to love you or want to be with you or work well with you. But you can woo. You can give them an experience of living in God's world that invites them to have more. You can use words to love them, pursue them, train them, and engage them like God uses words with you. In doing so your kids will have the chance to sense his character and nature through you, which will help them decide whether or not they'd like more of you and more of him.

This kind of parenting will leave you tired and desperate because you'll realize how little control you have over your child's heart and how few abilities to reach it. That's a good awareness because it will drive you back toJesus. And as he meets you in your need, you'll be that much better equipped to invite your kids to that same experience for themselves.

This book is an invitation to experience God's heart with your kids, to experience God parenting you as you parent them.

CHAPTER 2

The Invitation Is Embedded in Your Conversations

Have you ever thoughtlessly said something that was unkind, sharp, cutting, nasty, embarrassing, or even cruel, then turned around quickly when someone confronted you and said, "Oh, I didn't mean that"?

Jesus would disagree. He explained once that our words give such a good picture of our hearts, our inner worshiping core, our essential nature, that "on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned" (Matt. 12:36–37).

Notice that it's not the carefully constructed, well-rehearsed things that come out of our mouths that reflect what is most true of us. It's the careless ones. It's the ones that just slip out without our having to think about them that best reflect our true essence.

They reveal something of us as individuals — what we value, what we wrap our lives around, what we most cherish and will least let go of. The careless, uncensored words show how we understand our God and our place in his universe. They show what we worship. And those same words that lightly trip off our tongues show how our worship affects everyone around us.

That means our words, especially the quick, easy, careless ones, reveal what kind of relationship we will create because they show the place and value that others have in our lives. This place and value doesn't merely affect the present moment, but promises to shape the future as well.

So take a moment and think: what do your kids hear from you? If they regularly experience you as harsh, strict, overbearing, joyless, gloomy, never satisfied, depressed, or needy, then it's because you've told them that you cherish something deep inside — only it's not them. It's something else, and their role in life is to make sure you have that other thing.

Most often that means you've communicated that you expect some form of hassle-free living from them with as few interruptions as possible while they give you the love and respect you feel entitled to by virtue of how much you do for them. If that's their present experience of you, you probably shouldn't be too surprised if they decide they don't want a whole lot to do with you as they get older and have more relational opportunities from which to choose. Why would they? You've given them no good reason to want more of you.

On the other hand, if they experience you as someone who is candid, frank, nurturing, caring, gentle, fun, concerned, engaging, trustworthy, truthful, and wise, they're picking that up because you're speaking out of a set of values that cares for them. You've communicated that you are more interested in theirwell-being than in your own comfort. And so you are willing to step up and speak in ways that offer them the opportunity to mature into all that God ever intended them to be.

Words that create that second kind of experience also imply that there's more future goodness in a relationship with you. You've given them a reason to stay connected. True, there's no guarantee, but which is more likely: that they'd want to continue a relationship with someone who is cranky and never satisfied or with someone who engages them for their benefit?

When what I most value at the core of my being is my relationship with God and others, then my words will reflect that reality in a way that people can believe. And that reality will be most deeply felt when others are not at their best.

Anyone can say, "I like you" when you're likeable. But when you're not likeable and someone still speaks gently, courageously, to woo you and bring you back, then you see how deeply committed they are to you. You see their heart. And you experience the goodness of their heart in the kind of relationship they create between you, giving you a taste of what you can expect from them in the future. When that happens, you want more of it; you want more of them.

Misplaced Worship Generates Uninviting Relationships

The obvious question then is: "Why would you ever want to speak in a way that would drive people away rather than invite them closer?" And the answer, according to Jesus is: "You can't help it. You always speak out of what you worship. So if you value something more highly than you value God, then you'll engage people out of that value and end up speaking badly."

For instance:

• If you worship accomplishing your goals — if Achievement and Success are your gods — then don't be surprised that you mostly talk to your kids when you need them to work with you to get something done and tend to ignore them otherwise.

• If you worship Efficiency — having a smooth-running life — then don't be surprised that most of what you say to your kids is to correct problems.

• If you worship being Respectable, then most of what you say will be about helping them learn how not to embarrass you.

• If you worship feeling Needed by other people, then don't be surprised that you primarily engage your kids when they're struggling, that you're actually happier when your kids are upset and have a problem that you can drop in and fix, and that you're driven by crisis more than nurturing.

Hate feeling lonely? You'll smother your kids with words. Have to be perfect? You won't be able to admit to them that you were wrong. Have to protect yourself from being hurt? Their apologies will never be enough.

You will speak to them out of what you worship.

(Continues…)


Excerpted from "Parenting with Words of Grace"
by .
Copyright © 2019 William P. Smith.
Excerpted by permission of Good News Publishers.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Table of Contents

Foreword Paul David Tripp 11

Introduction 15

Part 1 The Vision

1 Parenting Is an Invitation 21

2 The Invitation Is Embedded in Your Conversations 29

3 How Jesus Talks to Estranged Friends 33

4 Extended Story: Sacred Space 39

5 You Talk with No Guarantee 43

6 You Speak out of the Grace You've Already Heard 49

7 Extended Story: "Get in the Van" 55

8 Your Kids Need You to Talk to Them … a Lot 61

9 Extended Story: Nanny's Funeral 67

Part 2 The Hope

10 Sometimes You Don't Want to Talk 73

11 Abraham Misspeaks for God 79

12 God Speaks for Abraham 85

13 Jesus Speaks for You 89

14 You Take Words to God 95

15 Practice Repenting for Misusing Your Mouth 99

16 You Hear Words from God 103

17 You Take Words to Your Kids 109

18 Speaking Truth and Love 115

Part 3 The Skill Of Encouragement

19 When Should You Encourage? 123

20 Encouragement Takes Time 129

21 Replace the Negatives at Home and Abroad 133

22 Search for the Positive in Seed Form 141

23 Be Encouraged When You're Tired of Encouraging 147

Part 4 The Skill Of Honesty

24 The Goal of Honesty: Rescue 153

25 Think Before You Speak 159

26 Be a Mirror That Invites Participation 165

27 Aim for the Heart 171

28 Lead with Your Worst Foot Forward 177

29 Build Bridges with Your Failures 183

30 Expect Your Kids to Make Mistakes 189

31 Extended Story: Catching a Line Drive … or Not 197

32 Why You Really Do Want a Forgiving Lifestyle 201

Afterword: You're a Megaphone 205

General Index 209

Scripture Index 211

What People are Saying About This

From the Publisher

“This book immediately affected the way I had conversations with my grandchildren about some teachable moments in their lives. Smith brings together Scripture and illustrations in a way that makes you want to do better in those conversations, and helps you know how to do it.”
Edward T. Welch, Counselor and Faculty Member, Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation; author, I Have a Psychiatric Diagnosis: What Does the Bible Say?

“If you’re like me, you might have read the title of this book, Parenting with Words of Grace, and felt the need to stifle a moan. Oh, no . . . here comes the guilt! Please don’t make that assumption. Like its title, this book is filled with words of grace: grace to you as a parent and grace to you as a child of the only Father who knows what it is to always speak with words of grace. It’s full of deeply satisfying encouragement for your soul and is written in a winsome and honest way. You’ll be glad you read it. You really will.”
Elyse Fitzpatrick, coauthor, Worthy: Celebrating the Value of Women

“A rich resource loaded with scriptural insight. Bible lovers will relish Smith’s use and application of Scripture. Parents will be comforted that they are not alone in some of their struggles and given helpful instructions on how to be good parents.”
Ajith Fernando, Teaching Director, Youth for Christ, Sri Lanka; author, Discipling in a Multicultural World

Parenting with Words of Grace delivers on its title. In short, easy-to-read chapters, Bill Smith introduces parents to God’s amazing grace for their own lives and helps moms and dads understand how to apply that grace in their families. The wisdom found in these pages will help you love your kids in spite of their failures, trust God for the outcome of your parenting, and encourage your children through the trials they face.”
Marty Machowski, Executive Pastor, Covenant Fellowship Church, Glen Mills, Pennsylvania; author, The Ology; WonderFull; and The Treasure

“I am allergic to formulaic, pedantic, ‘how-to’ Christian books on parenting. Thankfully, that is not what this book is. Bill Smith recognizes that gospel-shaped parenting is more like art than mathematics; we need to depend more on the Holy Spirit than any how-to manual! Most importantly, Smith urges Christian parents to see their God-given role as authoritative, yes, but also formative as they use their words and conversations to establish a Christ-centered relationship with their children that can continue for all eternity. I commend this book to you and have already benefited from it myself.”
Jon Nielson, Pastor, Christ Presbyterian Church, Wheaton, Illinois

“Who doesn’t want to invite their children into a healthy, vibrant relationship? I know I do. Bill Smith gives a compelling vision for how our words and conversations shape our parenting and how, through our words, we are vehicles through which our children see God. I read this book and wanted to go talk to my kids. You will too.”
Courtney Reissig, author, Teach Me to Feel: Worshiping through the Psalms in Every Season of Life

“A powerful and encouraging read! William Smith highlights the power of our words as motivators for our children to seek a real and lasting relationship with Jesus Christ. He offers encouragement for our failed words and help for our future words.”
Shona Murray, author, Refresh: Embracing a Grace-Paced Life in a World of Endless Demands

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